Thursday, February 2, 2012

What I Learned When a Loving God Took My Baby

Whenever there is a loss in life, a great trial or tragedy, people often wonder how a "loving God" could have allowed such a thing to occur.  The answer often is not clear to mortal minds, but I know that, in this instance, God used great sorrow to grow amazing love.

The week before Christmas, I found out that I was five weeks pregnant.  Once the initial shock wore off, I was super excited, albeit a little scared, that I was going to have two children so close together.  Playmates, best friends, life-long companions--perhaps even closer than my sister and I are because my two were going to be just fourteen months apart instead of thirty.  We shared our news with family and a few close friends around the holidays, and our happiness only grew.  My mind was filled with dreams of the next year--two babies around the tree, double strollers, and joy.

Just before I was eight weeks along, just a month away from entering my second trimester, I lost the baby.  Words cannot describe the agony that wrenched my soul as I realized that I would never hold my little girl in my arms, that her birthday would come and go . . . without her, that the life that was within my womb was no more.  Grief.  Pain.  Devastation.  I am still struggling with it.

Through it all, however, I have felt the arms of Jesus holding me close to His heart.  I have felt His love surrounding me.  I have felt His strength upholding me and giving me the power to make it through each day.

Why would a loving God take my baby when it was already so loved?  There are so many healthy babies whose lives are taken from them by mothers who don't want them--why did God take a little girl whose parents were excited to meet her?

I don't know.

But that doesn't make God any less loving and compassionate.  In fact, it has drawn me closer to Him and introduced me to His love in a whole new way.  God says, "I love you, and I know what is best for you, my child."  As He has guided and continues to lead me through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I see and feel His light encompassing me.   I cling to Him and He holds me close.  I cry and He wipes my tears.  I pray and He tenderly listens.

One might say that I prayed that God would save my baby and that He didn't answer . . . but He did.  His answer was no.  Now, I have a little girl waiting for me in heaven.  As I envision her running into the arms of Jesus, it draws me closer to my Lord.

How could I still love a God who would allow me to experience such heart-rending pain?  I honestly don't know--I just know that I do.  I understand that God will never give me more than I can handle, and that He has given me the ultimate test of my faith.  It is one thing to die for Christ--it is another to sacrifice the child for whom you would die.  God asked Isaac of Abraham, and Abraham was willing.  God did not ask me, but my test was whether or not I would serve Him in the end.  I do.

Looking neither to the right nor to the left, I will follow Him, no matter the cost.  For me the cost seems high indeed--but I understand just a little more just how much God paid to redeem me.  The blood of His innocent Son shed before His eyes.  What a sacrifice, what a cost, what a love this is.  I will praise Him for His goodness, and thank Him for His love.  And one day, one day, I will shout with joy when I join my little girl in the Everlasting Arms.

Through the darkest night He leads me, leads me, leads me.
In my hour of need, He holds my hand.
Though the world would tear me from Him, firm He keeps me,
Guiding me on to His promised land.


4 comments:

grey rose (they/them) said...

so glad naomi sent me here to read this.
you have lifted me up, turned my eyes to the king.
to god be the glory!

praying for you xo

a.friend said...

My heart breaks as I sit here reading of the sorrow you have had to endure. And yet I rejoice to think that we have a heavenly Father who can and will heal your broken heart. You have expressed your grief beautifuly. I now understand your previous post. Your love for your Savior is shinning brightly in these dark days. I have no answers to offer except Jesus, Jesus, Jesus and you already have that answer firmly in your grasp. Share often with your husband and love your little girl. I will pray often for all of you and no doubt shed some tears in the process. May the Lord wrap you in His everlasting love.

Erin said...

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. God has been so good to us during this difficult time, and we continue to learn to love and trust Him more.

a.friend said...

For whatever help or comfort my simple words may of given... you are most welcome.